Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Following My Heart


By  6:00 last night I had dragged my

Swirling head outta the rock hard double bed....

and began packing up.

Not everything....

Not daddy's stuff.

That was when it hit pretty hard.

if we leave...

we leave dad behind.

If we stay...

We stay together.

sounds fairly obvious,  i know.

but it was with a very heavy heart that i

continued to drop things in boxes and bags and


When the option to go home was presented...

Mekenzie (6)  was elated!

she couldnt wait to get home to Utah and

have playdates and dance class and
a bed with no crumbs in it.

(she honest to goodness said that)

It sounded pretty tempting to me too!

but i'm sure that is what Matt would love to do...

Go home.

To a cozy Bed and his comfort zone.

but the fact of the matter is that he can't.

He,  as our provider,  is  here come rain or shine.

He doesn't have the choice of where he would prefer to be.

For this reason, my mind
 could barely fathom heading home.

But for some reason (my kids)
 i kept packing.

Until i was done.

We  were set to leave.

Matt walked in the door from a long hard day

up a 350ft wind turbine tower....

and his eyes were scurrying around the room and

it truly looked like someone punched him in the gut.

He looked lonely and broken hearted already.

I started balling.      

Kenzie started balling.

Kade was just picking his nose.

Kie was eating.  still.  or again.  who knows.

All i could say was...

" kenzie really wants to go home."

He said   ...  "Yah,  that's probably the best thing
for them...  they will be happier there."

and then kenzie,

the girl who was mad at me everytime i even suggested

staying to be with dad.....

said..."mom,  i changed my mind ...i wanna stay with daddy"

and she changed her tune totally...

not switching back and forth.

Just resolute on staying.

"we'll be safe here huh mom.?"

and that is kinda how i've been feeling.

like,  if we stay together,  we will be blessedwatched over.

and so we will.   stay.   together.

Matt was the happiest man on earth.

He really was.

Like he had just found the golden ticket.

...and  in a way we all had...

the ticket to this life is ....


and family is golden!

xoxo  shell


  1. Wow..tough choices. You are my hero..Shellbell

  2. You will be watched over and blessed, and life is usually funner together. J

  3. I'm so proud of you.

    I had this whole advice columnish comment to give you about not worrying about "what-if"s...and faith...and a bunch of other stuff...but it doesn't need to be said. Just that I love you, and you are doing a FABULOUS job.