It is 1:33 a.m.
i am sitting in the bathroom in
the hotel room so i don't disturb the family.
Kenzie (6) just sat up crying
and screeching.
She has these night terrors that are
so hard to snap her out of.
She is asleep but her eyes are open
and she is deathly afraid of something.
She just keeps begging, "MOM, I'm scared of it!"
but i ask of what and she doesnt know.
HELLO. We live in a hotel room-
I have to calm her down fast. All 5 of us sleep
within 10 sq ft of eachother.
YIKES!
Stuff like this could turn into an all nighter if
the other kids are woke up! That would be
horrible.....
and then i have an
***EPIPHANY***
*Moment*
*I want to be the best Mom ever.
I want to be sooo wrapped up in being a mom.
*I want to laugh off the spills, turn into
a dinosaur while chasing a whining child
and tickle away their grumpies.
*I want them to be #1
and to know it.
and not just on the good days like i do now....
This should be standard procedure...
Dino tickling and funny faces....
I want my husband, when someone asks
what kind of person i am,
to describe me as ...
"she's a mom"
like he did about another
woman yesterday.
" She's a mom. She takes
care of her kids."
(....he says to me when i ask him to describe a friends wife.)
My heart longed for him to think of me as this.
But honestly,
Why would he?
Everytime he calls from work and asks
how my day is going...
I whine and "boo hoo"
about how loud the kids are...
and how much they fight with eachother...
Maybe if i replied...
" Everything is good. I'm just
being a mom and the kids are good but loud so i should go so i can calm them
down with some of my
attention...."
...... Well then maybe he might
actually know how much i love them...
and love being a mom.... their mom.
I could tell you what he would say now
if asked to describe me...
"She loves vintage stuff and
crafting and wants to own
a boutique again someday...."
*Well, that just won't do!
**TIME TO MAKE A CHANGE
*** I ONLY GET ONE SHOT AT THIS
MOMMY THING....
BETTER MAKE IT A GOOD ONE!
Better go back to bed.
Or tomorrow will be a rough first day for this mommy!
xoxo shell
Oh my gosh Rachelle, I got teary reading this because I have DEFINITELY felt this way so many times. I think it's because we love our kids and family SO much we want to do everything right. It's part of being a mom. We have that protective gene. I haven't seen you in years, but I know you're a great mom. Your blog is inspirational. You've kept your family together and are staying strong for them. That's a great mom! Wanting to do better makes you an even greater mom, because you love them so much you want to do the best you can to make them smile. :) In the end, we all have bad days. Cut yourself some slack, have fun with them and know that they love you no matter what! (I know, easier said than done. I need to listen to my own thoughts!) :)
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